My divorce has stalled.

It really stinks because I want this over with.

Every time that I think I’m done with this, I realize that I’m not as far along in the ‘grieving’ process as I thought I was.

Or at least until a few weeks ago.

My Irish Idiot has been the one to file for divorce and then decided to stop turning in paperwork and now we’re over two months behind where we should be, because…he’s an idiot. He forgets that he started this process and whereas before I would read into that, now I’m just annoyed.

I’m annoyed at a lot.

He skipped out on seeing his daughter in order to celebrate his girlfriends divorce. He lied and said that he had to work and tried to blame it on something fictional that supposedly I said in order to justify not spending the entire weekend with his daughter. This would have been the third weekend for the two of them to spend together and he missed it.

I can only imagine that this is the tone that he’s setting for the rest of my daughters life.

I will be judged for saying this but I honestly thought it would feel good. I thought I would get some satisfaction from him ditching his daughter on the weekend that he was supposed to have her…when he was supposed to have her and then lied and said he had to work. I thought that proving everything that I said was true would feel good or give me some satisfaction, but the reality is that it hurt more then when he cheated on me, more then when he left the bruises…because he rejected the most beautiful thing in the world – our daughter. He communicated that a ‘fly-by-night’ girl was more important than the cutest little redhead that God ever created.

So, I’m annoyed.

I just want to be done. I want to forget that I thought he was ever good enough for me. I want him to be a grown up and turn his paperwork in to the courts like he should have done over two months ago. Yet, that apparently, is the person that I married, that I’m now divorcing.

And I’ve finally come to grips with it because I’ve finally realized that I married a loser. I’m not the loser, user or abuser – he was.

I married someone that loved the fact that I paid for everything. For him, that was all that I was in the picture for.

When I reviewed his checking account info that he submitted, it hit me how much of a schmuck I was, yet, I’m proud that I was that schmuck. I looked back to the week that we eloped and I realized that he paid for one thing while we were in Canada…he bought Tim Horton’s coffee…that’s it. That’s all this man contributed to the cost of our elopement; that’s all he contributed to our family vacation. I paid for the rest. He sponged off of me.

I’m an idiot.

Wait…am I really an idiot??

No.

I’m not. I’m not an idiot. I’m a person that was so in love with someone that I never cared about money. I cared about memories…about experiences…about our family…about our engagement…about us.

I believed him…that makes me a softy at heart, not an idiot like he claims I am…it simply shows that I was truly in love with a person – with their ‘being’, not their bank account (like he was).

It was eye opening what he was doing behind my back as I reviewed the account information. The good thing for me is that I finally am at a point where I don’t care. I truly am so apathetic to the loser of a man that I was married to, I can’t wait to wash my hands of him. Just say a prayer for the little redhead because he’s already shown that he can’t be counted on to be there for her…he’s already shown that he’ll put his needs before hers, and I never want her to be put through the same hurt that he’s put me through.

And then my family and friends enter the picture. And they remind me of all that I have to be thankful for…all that I already have in my life, even though my ex wants to make me think that I’m not enough for anything more than helping to reduce his child support amount.

Divorce can bring people back into your life that you forgot were in the wings. That sounds super pretentious but what I mean is that sometimes there are people in your past that need to stay in your past, or people that your new love wouldn’t feel comfortable around, or just simply people that you’ve outgrown based on your life choices.

…so there’s this guy…

He has been in my life for many, many years. While he may not have been an active part of my life for the last 15+ years, I always knew that he would have my back, no matter what…no matter who…no matter what the circumstances were – I could call and he would answer and he would show up.

There are very few people in my life, in anyone’s life, that are this amazing. I’m lucky enough to not only have family in-state and out-of-state that are this awesome but also friends that have been through the Big D #1 and the Big D #2 with me…and then there’s this guy.

This guy…A friend that wants nothing from me but for me to see me how he sees me. A friend that tells me how stupid I’ve been and that I need to suck it up because my ex is an idiot and how I shouldn’t stoop to his level. This friend is a guy that gives me more ‘guy advice’ than I could ever ask for. Sometimes I hate hearing it and in other times, I couldn’t be more grateful.

I love my girlfriends. They sympathize with me, they tell me honestly how life will be so much better without my pathetic excuse for an ex, and help remind me how much more wonderful my life is without my ex…and yet they are my ‘girls’.

Girls are nice…close girlfriends will tell you how it is, but they still are gentle when they say it (typically).

Guys (as I’m learning) will tell you how stupid and soft you are being without batting an eye.

And that’s why I’m thankful for this guy.

He’s told me that there’s no need to tell my ex any longer how stupid he is because he should already know it.

He’s told me that I am good enough…that I don’t need to care that my ex is already dating his third girlfriend…that I don’t need to justify anything to this Idiot.

That simply that I just need to be me and move on and realize that he never deserved me and he’s showing it now. Because I’m that awesome…and my ex is an Idiot. His words – not mine.

…and with that said:

Some of you may be saying, well, now she’s doing it again – she’s validating herself through the words of another man – and I get it. I’ve honestly struggled with it myself. I’ve told this guy numerous times that I don’t believe him, that I think that he wants something from me, that I don’t want to be anything more than friends (because I ‘go there’ unnecessarily sometimes), because I think he wants to have a ‘friend’ – a girl that’s there in case someone else doesn’t show up.

…back story:

When the man that you love with all of your heart cheats on you and hurts you, it leaves bruises seen and unseen that you deal with long after it happens. I am still trying everything I can to remind myself that only losers cheat, and only idiots leave bruises, and only morons justify it and claim that they are the victim. Yet, the victim truly does have to pull themselves out of it…for day, weeks, months, and years to come. The emotional damage that one small act can cause can’t always be repaired – it just has to be put ‘away’ and moved past and that can take some time.

When the love of your life has hurt you in a way that no other person ever could, life can be emotionally draining to deal with.

And when you hear repeatedly that “you could never be loved by another man”, and then another man shows self-sacrificing love, it’s hard to actually recognize. When you do, it’s probably too late. I’m just thankful that this guy has been my friend for a long time and I know he’ll be there for a long time after all of this garbage is over.

So this post is partly to announce the last of my regular divorce posts before my site changes slightly to focus on the future, and it is, in fact, in part, due to this guy. This guy that grinned big and wide when I walked into the room the other night and when he introduced me to his friend, he friend said repeatedly how beautiful I was and all my friend did was grin ear-to-ear…this guy that can’t figure out how to introduce me because I won’t let a label land on us…this guy that has friends that boost my ego more than he does…this guy that puts my needs before his…this guy that checks on me each day – multiple times a day – just to make sure that my emotions aren’t a wreck because of my Irish Idiot…this guy is a friend that I don’t ever want to lose.

Keep your friends close and…even closer during divorce, because divorce sucks and the more people that you have in your corner, the faster you will heal.

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2 comments

  1. Nice post. All of us need our allies, our friends who will love us no matter what — which includes being honest with us when it’s needed and letting things go when that’s needed as well. It sounds like this guy is one of those people for you. So, whenever you doubt yourself, whenever you want to berate yourself for being an idiot, remember this guy and his view of you. Look at yourself the way your allies look at you. They love you, find value in you and appreciate you for what and who you are. If you were an idiot, I don’t think they’d feel that way about you. So, always look to those allies and trust their view of you and make that view your own.

    And just let go of anything Irish idiot does. If he doesn’t want to see his daughter, it’s heartbreaking for her yes, but ultimately it is his loss far more than hers. Or yours.

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