This week has been an interesting week. Preparing for category 5, Hurricane Irma without a spouse, has been daunting. Getting the house ready, finding all of my important papers, getting all of the food and water ready, condensing so that everything outside can be pulled in…has been a lot. It’s been overwhelming, stressful and now that I’m almost done, I feel a little more at peace.
Organization is not my Irish Idiot’s forte. The one thing that he ‘claimed’ during our marriage was the garage…and it was REALLY messy. I really wanted to be able to get my car into the garage so that I could have it inside, away from flying debris, so I took a little over two days to clean it up and then had to ask him to move the Jeep ‘project‘ (restoring a Jeep that won’t get finished because it’s too damaged) to the side so I could get my car pulled inside during the hurricane.
While he was at the house, he joked with me and offered an idea for my next blog post, even titling it for me “The Adventures of My Irish Idiot” and he wanted to make sure that I gave him credit for being the creative one…so here’s your credit Erik. Geez… 🙂 #truth #unbelievablebuttrue
When I started my blog, one of my goals was to lay out a “do this” and “don’t do this” for divorce but unfortunately, right as I was going to publish some of these posts, my Irish Idiot decided that he wanted to leave and enjoy single life so that he didn’t have to feel guilty for cheating on me. The last thing I was going to publish was a ‘how to’ for him to make the divorce process easier and more successful for him.
So, for now I’m holding ‘my cards’ close to my chest until afterward and then later I’ll let you in on all of the secrets that will help you get through divorce emotionally and financially without losing your mind.
Until then, I can provide you with a few tidbits of information about divorce to help you. My soon-to-be-ex has already missed the mark on these so it’s safe to let you in on these things.
Work on it.
Let me start this advice by saying, stay married, work on it. Working on your marriage is sooo much easier than divorce. I promise. I hate divorce. With that said, please also know that I don’t regret my first divorce at all. It was necessary for me and the kids to get out. My 2nd divorce, soon-to-be, is the complete opposite for me. I don’t want it. I still don’t want it. But I can’t force my husband to be a grown up. He’ll get it…one day when it’s too late to come back and fix everything that he’s done.
Please don’t see this post as an encouragement for divorce. Only view it as recommendations for those that need to make this decision or have already decided to take these steps. Contact me for the million reasons to stay and work at a marriage if you are wavering about whether or not to leave your spouse.
You’ve made your decision…now plan!
The first and most important thing to do is plan. When I left my sons’ father, I should have planned better. Below are some things that you should consider before announcing that divorce is the next step:
* Prepare your financial outlook.
Make a list of what you are contributing financially for (health insurance, life insurance, utilities, rent/mortgage, etc.) and be prepared that you’ll likely have to continue to pay these same bills even after you move out. My soon-to-be-ex keeps complaining that he hates his job but he has to keep it to keep the insurance for us…poor baby. Should have thought about that before he made immature decisions.
* Know where you are going to live.
My ex’s departure was so abrupt that he lived with his mother for months (which I’m sure she loved)and now he’s living with his brother. I can’t imagine that two grown adults (my ex is almost 40 and his brother is in his mid 40’s) planned to have a roommate at their age.
My ex is finding it very difficult to pay his bills and the bills for me that he has to continue to pay and he keeps getting mad at me, as though I made this choice. Nope – he did and he should have thought about that before he left. Should have saved some money before he left. Oh well, his bed that he made.
* If you are not working, start looking now…find something before you leave.
This will help you feel more confident about living life on your own. Even if you end up getting enough alimony to live off of, you still have to get through the divorce and my first one took 18 months…let that sink in. Do you really want financial stress in addition to the emotional stress of divorce? And, it doesn’t matter, who leaves who. I actually am experiencing MUCH less emotional stress this time and I don’t want this divorce.
* Make things a little more tidy.
Depending on what kinds of ‘things’ you have (investments, toys like boats and etc., storage units, and other things outside the norm like a home, cars, etc) condense where possible. Find out the status of everything and make things simple to financially maneuver through once you decide that you will divorce.
The more ‘things’ that you have to sort through the harder and longer it will take.
Also, the emotional connection won’t be as strong. Both of you will remember good times and bad times for each of these ‘things’ but if they are already sold or condensed, there are less things to have to sort through and memorialize.
This is definitely one area that my soon-to-be-ex didn’t think through before he announced his decision to divorce. Sucks to be him. I am able to at least sit back and watch his antics about ‘stuff’ like fishing poles that I paid for before the marriage and I almost feel bad for him.
Too bad he didn’t ‘detach’ himself sooner. I have to admit that it’s kind of fulfilling to sit back and watch him squirm about these kinds of things because he’s an idiot and didn’t think about it before he had an affair and gave up on being an adult. Then again, he was raised to value gifts and things more than people. Karma…
Trust me, unless you are being abused, you can wait a few months to get these things in order before you leave. It will really pay off in the end emotionally and financially.
Don’t be like my #IrishIdiot and rush into this while making huge mistakes that could cost you big time. Take your time finding an amazing attorney. Lean on family and friends and be smart about each step in the process. The more that you can act like adults through this, the faster it will be to heal.
I have no idea if there will be a second ‘adventures of my Irish Idiot’ but thanks to my soon-to-be-ex for suggesting his own series. I’m sure there will be more that I shake my head at…