As I sit down to type this I want to admit something. I’m not really sure where the keystrokes will take me tonight.
My goal for my Thursday posts are to just be ‘real’ with you about my strained relationship with my husband and how the divorce in my first marriage has played a role in my life.
But…I’ve struggled all night to come up with what I want to talk about. My life, although not where I want it to be right now, is actually ok…better than ok. And that scares me..so maybe that’s my confession, my topic for this post.
I miss Erik. I miss my life. I wake up each day hoping that this is all a bad dream and then I look at the empty pillow next to me and realize that it’s reality.
I truly have had some amazing things happen to me lately, the Effexor is doing it’s job, I’m figuring out my financial situation, and with each day that goes by, it’s easier to not have my husband in the same house and sometimes even better than when he was here.
And that’s scary to me. I don’t want it to be easier because I’m afraid that I won’t want him anymore, which will mean finality to me and I’m not ready for that yet.
I don’t want to be ok without him even though I know I will. I wanted to do life with him. I wanted to grow old with him. I wanted to laugh with him until our stomach’s hurt, every day for the rest of our lives. And he wanted those things too at one point…made a vow for those things…and then broke every promise he ever made. All so that he could be showered with attention by a woman that told me that “he didn’t owe me anything.” He found quite a woman of character, huh? But I guess it shows his character too considering he threw me away as though the prior three years hadn’t happened and meant nothing.
I’m nervous that I’m becoming so numb to every thing that all of the love and feelings that I’ve ever had for the man that I love so much will wash away. It makes it real and I don’t think I’m ready for ‘real’ yet. I don’t think I want ‘real’ yet.
And yet, I get mad at myself at times for feeling this way because he has caused so much pain and could care less. Why should I want someone in my life that dropped and ran instead of putting effort into fixing things? Why would I expect anything different from someone that has never put long lasting effort, hard work, into anything? Why would I think that someone is even worthy of being in my life when they’ve done so many horrible things without remorse?
Because Love. It’s crazy and it doesn’t make sense.
As I type this, I get a text from a friend that totally brings me out of my moment of sappiness. That’s the best part of my life right now. My friends and family. The texts and phone calls that I get when I least expect them have kept me out of the depths of despair.
Last divorce (and I’m still getting used to having to clarify which divorce), I would sink into myself and avoid life. Avoid friends. Minimally involve myself in family. At least this time, I know what I need to make it through this sanely, better than before and stronger…my framily (friends and family). I can’t push them away. I’ve embraced and sought them out…lived for random texts, sent random texts, called just to say hi. Because I know that is what will bring me sanity and strength.
Two marriages later, I will tell you that love makes no sense. If it makes sense to you, go after it. Don’t listen to anyone else or the world…chase it. It may hurt later but at least you’ll know you’ve tried. And if you never try, you’ll never know what could have been.
So to quote Hunter Hayes, “The world makes all kinds of rules for love. I say you gotta let it do what it does.”