Dear lord…I wish I could go back to high school or college…start all over. But I would only do it if I knew what I know now.
Naps, snack time and glitter glue were the best. Responsibilities, feelings, coping with feelings, dealing with other peoples feelings…not really the best.
Then one day you wake up and realize that YOU run your life…no one else. And it happens at different times for different people. For me – it happened about eight weeks ago. You see, my marriage is going through some very tough times. Tough times that aren’t necessarily my fault, but it’s still my marriage. Choices have been made, feelings have been hurt, emotions have been all over the place, lives have been changed…in an instant.
I’ve come to realize that you have to make the best decisions for YOU. For your family. Even if no one else agrees. This is you living it. No one else. YOU are the only one that has to answer for your life. But it takes a while to figure this out for some (like me)…to stop caring what everyone else thinks is acceptable for your life, for your relationship, for your world.
And then you realize in an instant that you want to escape…escape being an adult. Because this stuff is hard. Being the one responsible for making important decisions. You just want to escape being the one that can make or break a situation, a family, a marriage, a relationship. For just a moment you want to run. But then you look at six blue eyes looking to you for stability, for security, to make everything alright and then you find it somewhere deep within to make it happen for them.
“Them” that you live for, breathe for, do everything for…you want to fix what can’t be fixed because you don’t want them to be hurt but you really don’t know how to fix it.
And then in the next instant, you remind yourself that you need to decide what YOU want…not what others think you need…but what YOU want. And that’s an unnatural thing, at least it was to me.
I’m a people pleaser. I always want to make people around me happy. Until eight weeks ago. Then I just wanted to get through each day with sanity. I just wanted to rewind to good times, to easy times…and I couldn’t do it.
My brother in law is amazing. I can’t remember if I’ve ever mentioned it but he really is just that awesome. He looked at me the other day and asked, “Staci, what do YOU want? Don’t tell me what you want for the kids, tell me what you want.” And I had answers about where I thought my life would be at 37 years old and the things that I wanted for my life and in my life, but that question has haunted me for the last week. In a good way. It’s really made me think about what I want…not what I think everyone else expects from me or what I think is the right thing to do because that’s what everyone else has said is right or wrong. It’s pushed me to consider what I want to fight for, regardless of what everyone else thinks. I’m the only one living my life and until someone else is exactly in my shoes, I have to stand on my own two feet and be confident that I have a good head on my shoulders and know how to handle my life, my marriage, and my kids.
It’s amazing what God can do when you let him. I’ve had no choice but to be dependent on him. I’ve had to put my big girl pants on and find a way to make sure that the three blue-eyed lives don’t change, regardless of what happens in the future in my love life.
It’s scary having their lives dependent on me because I’m not even sure that I can be dependent on me but I’m sure I’ll find a way. That’s called adulting. That’s called life. And I’m so thankful I have the life I have. And I will make something of it…in a big way – I just know it.